A dummies guide to: The GYM

After an embarassing first visit to my local gym yesterday, which brought to my attention how physically inept I am, or more specifically, how weak I am in my triceps, I'm now sitting at my computer looking up diagrams of the human body so I can locate exactly which muscles in my body are giving me a type of pain I've never felt before.

It's not all bad though, my experience has inspired me to give other people a recount on what it's like at the gym, and offer some friendly pointers to people who plan on going.

Here begins a dummies guide to the gym:

TIP NUMBER ONE:

No matter how strong you get, there will always be someone bigger than you at the gym so with that in mind, when you go, take a friend with you who isn't as strong. You may not be the biggest person there, but you'll be stronger than your mate which should make you feel better.

TIP NUMBER TWO:

Wear nice shoes. If you're new to the gym it's unlikely that you're already strong, so when people walk by and notice how embarassinly weak you are, hopefully there mocking taunts will turn to envious looks once they see how stylish your footwear is.

TIP NUMBER THREE:

Don't take shampoo after you've done an upper body work out. It's highly unlikely that you'll even be able to reach your head after such exercises so reduce the weight of your gym bag by leaving the shampoo at home. You'll thank me for this when your bag is a few kilo's lighter as you walk agonisingly out that exit door.

TIP NUMBER FOUR:

Avoid making eye contact with people. If you happen to lock eyes with someone it may encourage that person to watch you work out, and if you're new to the gym like I was, your workouts aren't very impressive. So keep your dignity in tact by keeping your eyes on the ground.

And finally, for my last piece of advice

TIP NUMBER FIVE:

There's no shame in quitting. Things at the gym are really hard to do, and in my case leave you feeling sore the next day. So if you go there and start to get tired, call it a day, hit the showers and go home to take a nap. You'll feel better the next day knowing you acted like a coward, but you're pain free because of it.

So there you go, my first day at the gym was unsuccesful, but yours won't be if you read this handy guide to gym behaviour before going.

Drunk and Crazy, or Criminal and Psychotic

Today I had the opportunity to become one of the greatest crime fighters this country has ever seen, but due to a combination of things, mostly the cold weather, my laziness and unwilling attitude to become a famous crime fighter the opportunity slipped away from me.

The story of my brush with near stardom begins at 5:30 on a very cold morning. My nose and ears frozen, fingers numb and lips dry. I'm in a horrible mood as I patiently wait for my train, gathering my thoughts, but not suspecting for a moment that I could soon become a super hero.

I'm approached by a man who based entirely on his physical appearance scares me.
I'm not sure if it's the fact he is drinking at 5:30 in the morning, the fact that he was wearing a singlet top on the coldest day of the year, or that he had two different shoes on.
I don't know, it could be all of those things, or it could just be my super hero gut instinct telling me there was something very suspicious about this man.

My suspicions were confirmed minutes into our conversation.
At first, I thought this man wanted to steal my jacket from me, but to my relief this was not the case. We soon got talking on other things, and when i say 'got talking' I mean him speaking to me while I stand there frightened as I go over a list of names in my head of people who would be invited to my funeral, if the choice was mine.

So, our conversation continues and happens to lead down the path of explosives. And while my knowledge on this subject is admittedly small, I was still attentive enough to learn a few things from this drunken criminal.
The first lesson being; regular civilians shouldn't have dynamite at there homes, it can only lead to trouble. The second being I'm some kind of crazy person magnet and I don't like it at all.

The master plan of drunk criminal was to have the dynamite he keeps not so well hidden on his front lawn run over by a council lawn mower so that the resulting explosion can wreak some kind of havoc on society.
I questioned his master plan upon hearing it, mostly because I wasn't sure why someone would want things blowing up outside of their house, but also because I couldn't really get my head around him having dynamite on his front lawn that no one had reported to the police, or some other crime fighting body, like the X-men.

Perhaps it was my responsibility to tell the police about what this man had told me, but I stand by my defence of it being to cold to take action against this potential criminal.
I am of the opinion that crime fighting should be done during the warmer months to increase productivity and criminal capture.

But to those of you who may say 'Crime fighting needs to happen all the time Brad, criminals don't rest. You should have told the police' to you I say, I one day hope to be a super hero, so my authority outranks that of a humble police officer, and in my professional opinion I saw no immediate threat posed by this man. I made the right decision in letting him walk away without arrest, and I firmly believe my super hero moment will present itself again some time in the future.

I'm not going to report every scum bag at a train station who makes up tall stories about things they do or have at their house. The police have better things to do with their time.

However, in case I'm completely wrong and this guy is actually a criminal I'd like to apologise in advance to any council workers who suffer from a case of death, or amputation due to a dynamite explosion while mowing lawns.

Sorry council workers, you guys work really hard and the last thing you need is a dynamite explosion slowing you down.

Sharing is Scaring

While patiently waiting for my bus home earlier today I was approached by a stranger who asked if I had any ring tones on my phone I could share with him. After taking a few seconds to get over the initial shock of this obscure question I was more than happy to share my impressive library of music which consists of 6 songs on my mobile phone.

After some teething problems in the beginning, entirely due to him not knowing how to accept ring tones onto his phone I soon began to share my music. I had only sent one song when my bus came, so naturally I was thinking 'Sorry complete stranger, I won't be able to send you anything else’

Oh, how wrong I was.
To my surprise this guy was catching the same bus home as I was so I had a few more minutes to give him ring tones.

Just as the bus approached my stop I finished sending him my last song. Being the gentlemen that I am, I stood up, shook this strangers hand and was on my way. Thinking I'd never see him again.

Oh, how wrong I was.
I got off the bus thinking to myself ‘he seems like a nice guy’.
But those pleasant, harmless thoughts soon turned into scared thoughts and the feeling that I was about to be murdered.

I heard footsteps following me.
And to put it lightly I was incredibly frightened to turn around and see him standing there behind me, staring me in the face.
After what seemed like a lifetime of an awkward silence as we stared at each other, I bravely managed to say 'So do you live around here?' Hoping the answer would be 'Yes' and not something like 'No, I'm about to kill you'

By reading this story about something that just happened to me you can probably tell I wasn't murdered by this guy. If anything I was amazed, in a weird kind of way.

The answer to my where do you live question was 'I don't live anywhere near here man, I was just catching this bus to get your ring tones, I'm catching the next bus back the opposite way now'

I'm amazed by this because I couldn't believe this guy had nothing better to do in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. He has so much time on his hands he can catch buses to places he doesn't need to be at just so he can get ring tones on his phone from people he doesn't know.

His ambitions clearly aren't sky high, and if I'm to be judgemental for a second I would assume he hasn't already taken the business world by storm, made his millions and settled into a life of retirement at a young age.
I would guess he is unemployed and not really looking to hard for work at the moment.

He could be some of those things I just described, or he could be none. Whatever he is I don’t really mind. I’m just happy I haven’t been murdered today...

Yet.