A dummies guide to: The GYM

After an embarassing first visit to my local gym yesterday, which brought to my attention how physically inept I am, or more specifically, how weak I am in my triceps, I'm now sitting at my computer looking up diagrams of the human body so I can locate exactly which muscles in my body are giving me a type of pain I've never felt before.

It's not all bad though, my experience has inspired me to give other people a recount on what it's like at the gym, and offer some friendly pointers to people who plan on going.

Here begins a dummies guide to the gym:

TIP NUMBER ONE:

No matter how strong you get, there will always be someone bigger than you at the gym so with that in mind, when you go, take a friend with you who isn't as strong. You may not be the biggest person there, but you'll be stronger than your mate which should make you feel better.

TIP NUMBER TWO:

Wear nice shoes. If you're new to the gym it's unlikely that you're already strong, so when people walk by and notice how embarassinly weak you are, hopefully there mocking taunts will turn to envious looks once they see how stylish your footwear is.

TIP NUMBER THREE:

Don't take shampoo after you've done an upper body work out. It's highly unlikely that you'll even be able to reach your head after such exercises so reduce the weight of your gym bag by leaving the shampoo at home. You'll thank me for this when your bag is a few kilo's lighter as you walk agonisingly out that exit door.

TIP NUMBER FOUR:

Avoid making eye contact with people. If you happen to lock eyes with someone it may encourage that person to watch you work out, and if you're new to the gym like I was, your workouts aren't very impressive. So keep your dignity in tact by keeping your eyes on the ground.

And finally, for my last piece of advice

TIP NUMBER FIVE:

There's no shame in quitting. Things at the gym are really hard to do, and in my case leave you feeling sore the next day. So if you go there and start to get tired, call it a day, hit the showers and go home to take a nap. You'll feel better the next day knowing you acted like a coward, but you're pain free because of it.

So there you go, my first day at the gym was unsuccesful, but yours won't be if you read this handy guide to gym behaviour before going.